No words in the English language exist to adequately symbolize or describe how much I LOVE/ADORE/RESPECT/ANTICIPATE/EATSLEEPBREATHEDRINK the Olympics.  It is the pinnacle of athletic excellence, the culmination of an entire LIFETIME of preparation and dedication to a single cause that can be totally erased in a single moment or be etched into history FOREVER. The blood sweat and tears poured into each event, the drive and determination of these athletes coupled with their unique journeys to get there just make me go all warm and fuzzy. The Olympics are the heart and soul of… of… well they are a lot of heart and soul!! I am getting exasperated just talking/writing about it. I mean SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS what is more exiting than performing on a climactic international stage? CHILLS. I am getting chills, people. Can you IMAGINE winning a gold medal? How awesome would it be to stand in front of the flag of the United States of America, the symbol for freedom and democracy, representing your country, and be awarded for being the best in all of the world at something you love? And that is only the beginning. The level of competition is unmatched.  The spirited competitors, the resolute wills, and the tenacious rivalries create the most intense and gut-wrenching dramatic event in the world. I truly believe it is an art. Watching the Olympics is like watching dramatic Shakespeare theater in the Superdome or a ballet at the Roman Coliseum. The loyalty, the trust, the betrayal, the lifelong commitment… ahhhhhh SO EXCITING! Grey’s Anatomy has nothing on the Olympics! Ok… so I think you get the idea. I sort of kind of like to watch the Olympics.

In fact, I will usually stop answering phone calls, leaving the house, meeting basic demands to function at life to watch every single event. I don’t even care that much about what the event is. I will watch anything! Someone could tell me that I have to be at my own wedding and I would probably say “uh I don’t think so… they are about to start the snow angel competition.”  Or, “oh, the neurosurgeon called and they are sending over an ambulance because I need to have emergency brain surgery? Um, who is he kidding? Doesn’t he know that figure skating is on? The only thing that is going to make my brain explode is if this Tara Lapinski wannabe doesn’t nail this double axel triple loop.”  I mean really. Log rolling, foursquare, thumb-war… I don’t even care. You name it; I’ll watch it. If someone is getting a medal, I am definitely picking sides and getting invested. And when someone I like doesn’t win, I will indeed react like a petulant four-year-old or a love-sick teenager who is having their heart eviscerated for the first time. Yep. I love the Olympics.

Stay tuned for all of my ranting and raving throughout.

This just in: the President of Earth just called me and said that if you comment on this blog, he will give you a medal for internet valor. DON’T YOU WANT TO WIN A GOLD IN COMMENTING? Of course you do!

p.s. You look very nice today

It’s 5:30 a.m.! What in the name of all things sane am I doing up at this ungodly hour? Blogging for you of course! Dear Hunter, I am so so so sorry that you came here expecting to indulge in the insanity that is Constructive Witticism only to have your hopes and dreams crushed by my inconsistency. I, Jessica Black, do hereby by solemnly swear under penalty of blog law, God, and the ridicule of the internet, that I will write a special post this week JUST FOR YOU to make up for it.  Do you see what happens when you comment people? DO YOU SEE?  That’s right; you get called out and praised and appreciated by name.  Ok, well HOPEFULLY you are reading Chocolate Cyanide too so you know that my reason for being a little late on the updating is because of my newfound dedication to my newfound job to which I am now devoted like a mother to her babe. I have fairly full days this week so I end up blogging in the middle of the nightmorning.  Oh, and I thought I would tell you that I am having second thoughts about the name Chocolate Cyanide after someone (who shall remain NAMELESS because she told me over the phone instead of commenting! oh snap!) told me that now she can’t eat chocolate because she is scared it’s poisoned. GRRRRRREAT! So maybe I might be rethinking that, although I can’t exactly change it now since 2′s of 3′s of people are reading it and are probably used to the name. It’s branding, people. I can’t change my brand. I don’t know. hmm… maybe you should comment and tell me what you think… hmm maybe that would be a good idea.

SOOOOOO I know I said on CC that I was going to write a “How To” column on probably Mondays, but since I already updated that one I decided I would bring that topic pearl over here. Hey they can be interchangeable if I want them to. IT’S MY BLOG AND I CAN INTERCHANGE THEM IF I WANT TO… INTERCHANGE THEM IF I WANT TO; YOU WOULD INTERCHANGE THEM TOO IF IT HAPPENED TO YOUUUUUUU… bum bum duh duh duh”.  If you are not aware of what just happened, please ignore that outburst and be advised that I am not a crazy person (mostly).

So without further ado, todaynight I thought I would give you a little “How To” guide on how not to look like an idiot in your first week of work.  Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “I should be watching whatever is in the DVR right now” but you’re also thinking “you’re not an expert at professionalism” and you’re right.  But guess what? I am an expert at looking like an IDIOT.  So from one idiot to hopefully not another, here are some of my tips.

Do’s:

1) Take notes: Don’t be afraid to look like a nerdy intern who walks around with a notepad all week.  Chances are, you will end up looking like an idiot if you DON’T take notes, because you will end up forgetting something important which will most definitely end up with someone’s arm being chopped off; yours or otherwise.

2) ASK QUESTIONS! : I have to tell you that I am REALLY bad about this one.  I hate asking questions because I think they make me look stupid. Well you know that saying “there’s no such thing as a stupid question”?  Well they lied. There definitely is such a thing as a stupid question, but again, if you don’t ask what you need to know now, you are going to look even more stupid because you end up doing the wrong thing instead of just saying the wrong thing. Instead of asking “hey is this the correct arm the patient is having surgery on?” and risking looking stupid, you keep you’re mouth shut and end up marking an “X” on the wrong arm and like I said, someone’s arm gets chopped off, and not even the correct one. And if you work in business, YOUR arm will just get chopped off because your boss is so mad at you because you just made a clerical error that cost the company a GILLION CATRILLION DOLLARS. Yikes! So ask.

3) Be friendly! (to everyone):  You just never know who is watching.  That can extend from saying or doing something that makes someone have a better day, all the way to having a high up the totem pole executive think you’re the bomb because she/he was watching how you interact with others and you treated that person with respect even if when you thought they were just an average joe/jane.  Many great CEO’s and the likes are notorious for treating their company like their baby and doing things like picking up trash around the building and other tasks that may render them incognito as a big shot.  I also personally know of at least 5-100 stories of the big guys spying on the little guys by pretending to be clients/customers/patients etc and the little guys ending up looking like idiots because they were dismissive. So be friendly and be yourself. Plus you never know which member of housekeeping or grounds crew or other under-appreciated staffer may have infinite wisdom/the key to the vending machine and can hook you up.

4) Have Confidence: Don’t be an arrogant jerk, but have confidence in your abilities.  If you don’t think you can add anything to the organization, why should anyone else believe that you can. Everyone needs some encouragement now and then, but if you sulk around the office always putting yourself down people are going to think you are either a) fishing for a compliment b)really insecure and incapable of doing your job or c) an idiot… ok, not really (but kind of).  This does not extend to having a bad day or having doubts about yourself, but for the most part, you should believe that you have POTENTIAL. Not to mention, sometimes the body language you emit because you are not confident, actually makes you look disinterested or even ARROGANT, ironically.  Have good posture. Make eye contact. Give a firm (not bone-crushing) handshake. Nobody likes a limp fish handshake. NOBODY

5) Listen: I know this seems like a no-brainer, but you would be surprised. So many of us have selective hearing and often are already thinking of what we are going to say when the other person stops talking.  This can be especially tempting in your first week on the job or if you are new to a career. Of course you want to look knowledgeable, but it’s not going to impress anyone if you are constantly interrupting or miss important details because you were running your mouth. You are going to look like an idiot.

DONTs:

1) Steal pens: ACCIDENTALLY! I did this on my first AND second interview.  I actually walked up to the receptionist to hand her the paperwork and when she stuck out her hand, I shook it. SHE WAS ASKING FOR HER PEN BACK. And I shook her hand. True story. AWKWARD. I also was filling out paperwork once I got the job and because of my nerves I just mindlessly walked out of the office and almost out the door when I realized I had accidentally walked out with their pen. I turned around to return it and who is standing there but the receptionist whose hand I shook who now thinks I am a kleptomaniac.

2) Be a Know-It-All. It’s annoying. It makes you look like an idiot. You are there to learn. END OF STORY

3) Get People’s Names Wrong! The more you use a person’s name when talking to them, the more likely you are to remember it and the better first impression you will make.  I love when people use my name when I first meet them.  It makes you feel acknowledged and memorable. The opposite, of course, makes you look like an idiot.  People care about their names. A LOT.  When you say the wrong name it makes them feel like they were not important enough to you for you to remember. Make the effort.

4) I hope I don’t even have to say this one BUT: DO NOT KEEP YOUR PHONE ON!!!!! This is such a HUGE pet peeve of mine and many other people. IT IS RUDE. AND MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. Vibrate included. You may think you are a super sly genius foxy person and it is the perfect solution because you can feel it vibrate but no one will hear it. WRONG. They will hear it. It makes people think you are distracted, disinterested, and disrespectful.

5) Be too jokey: OK. ok. ok ok ok ok… this one is HARD for me, which is why I saved it for last.  I certainly do not want to discredit the value of being able to create good rapport with your co-workers; HOWEVER, there is a line.  I would say that within the first week you should be especially wary.  It’s important to remember that not everyone has the same sense of humor, and you don’t want to risk offending anyone or making them think you’re just an absolute idiot.  Definitely be careful with your boss and those in positions of authority.  You do not want anyone to misinterpret your joy, humor, and enthusiasm as disrespect. If you treat your boss like your BFF on day one, they might view this as unprofessional or that you don’t take your job too seriously. I would say hold off on the LOL’S the first week and SLOWLY feel out the sense of humor of your associates and the collective level of humor-appropriateness of the office. Does everyone else joke around? Does ANYONE else joke around? Keep on the look out. This doesn’t mean you can’t be your happy self, but it does mean statements starting with “What happens when you cross a _____ with a _____” should not be told at your first board meeting.

Ok, the end.

p.s. Every time a comment is made an angel gets his wings. (Just thought you should know.) DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ANGELS?

~Jess

1) Starting with this: Axe Cop

A person I am following on Twitter recently linked to this site & now I have a huge crush on it. Basically, the site was designed by this 29 yr. old comic artist/writer and his wickedly creative 5 yr. old little brother. The 5 yr. old is the one who writes the comics! He pretty much imagines all the crazy plots and tells them to his also incredibly creative brother who then organizes them into a non-5 year old thought pattern and illustrates the “plot” into a kick-butt comic. I find them to be very amusing, but even if you don’t, you have to give this bro team their props for being so creative. So check it out if you have time/want to/know someone who is obsessed with comics.

It’s time for your second present!

2) BOOKS!  I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “gosh I wish I had some McDonald’s fries right now” but you’re also probably thinking about your lack of enthusiasm for books. Well……. I love magazines, webzines, websites, webvideos, vlogs, theINTERNETingeneral, TV, movies, ETC… ETC… but every now and then, it’s nice to sit down with a good ol’ fashion hardback/paperback and pass the time by losing yourself in the written word that does not include crossword puzzles and/or Target advertisements.  It’s all about picking the right books.  I guarantee there is something out there for YOU. YESYOU!

Here are some of my current book crushes.  Some of them I have read.  Some of them have been recommended to me and are on my to do list. Instead of me babbling on about the plot, the author, etc. I figured you could just check them out yourselves. Scroll over the title to link to more info on the book.

“Say You’re One of Them”- Uwem Akpan (currently reading)

“Invisible Mountain”- Carolina De Robertis (want to read)

“The Unlikely Disciple”- Kevin Roose (finished reading)

“Good in a Room”- Stephanie Palmer (finished reading)

“Zeitoun”- Dave Eggers (can’t wait to read this)

3) THIS:  Ok, so I love the smell of this men’s cologne.  If you are a guy you will love wearing it & if you are a girl, you will love smelling it on your fella, the stranger walking by who put too much on & maybe smells like he took a bath in it, or just the magazine inserts. Whatever the case may be… it smells really good.So to recap: we have AXE COP, books and good smelling men’s cologne. I don’t know about you, but I call this a successful bag of treats.

That’s all for now, my ridiculously good-looking readers! Come see me again tomorrow! And DO NOT miss out on the sweet commercials and random videos under the tabs labeled……….. WAIT FOR IT………… commercials & videos! I know it’s wild! Verrrrry creative right? Ok, AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT, I REPEAT: DO NOT COMMENT! (trying out some reverse psychology here. I here it’s all the rage in…. well… um, psychology.)

The end

~Jess

This is possibly the best commercial I have ever seen. Seriously. Most social awareness campaigns use either fear or humor. I have seen a great deal of fear appeals when it comes to safe driving campaigns. The premise of using a fear appeal is primarily a good one, but it does not translate into an effective result. Let’s use Mothers Against Drunk Driving as an example. MADD might use a clip of a gruesome accident in order to inflict fear and scare drivers into remembering not to drive under the influence of alcohol. However, the problem occurs when many viewers flip the channel because they cannot handle or do not wish to watch such a horrifying scene.  The other complication that exists is those who could stomach the wreck and would qualify as the ideal target for the commercial because they engage in driving under the influence will simply change the channel because they do not want to be confronted with their faults or the issue at hand. The problem is called Cognitive Dissonance. Them’s iz fancy wurdz fur ignoring anything that causes discomfort or comes into conflict with your view of yourself and the world. Because of these issues, organizations have begun to try to appeal to younger generations before their bad behavior becomes a bad habit. In order to do this, they have resorted to using humor.  The humor appeal is good at garnering the attention of their target audience and often spreading the message by going viral; however, the humor often overshadows the message. Sometimes the issue is not taken seriously enough or not even remembered at all. That being said, I believe this Sussex Safer Roads Partnership: Embrace Life campaign is perfect. PERFECT. It emphasizes the issue without trying to attack the viewer with fear. Sure fear might be a byproduct, but it only simmers in the background behind the message of “embracing life”. The campaign reminds you why you want to be careful in the first place and encourages you to cherish those who would care if you were gone. It is beautiful and full of meaning, and most importantly, the message is not overshadowed by any part of the ad. WELL DONE! BRAVO! A TIP OF THE HAT TO YOU!

“J.D. Salinger, the famously reclusive author whose 1951 novel, ‘The Catcher in the Rye,’ became a touchstone for generations of readers, has died. He was 91.

The author died Wednesday of natural causes at his home in New Hampshire, according to a family statement that his literary agent, Phyllis Westberg, provided Thursday.

Though he wrote more than 30 short stories and a handful of novellas — many published in The New Yorker and collected in works such as ‘Nine Stories’ and ‘Seymour: An Introduction’ — Salinger’s fame rests on ‘Catcher,’ his only novel.

Though intended for adult readers, the book touched a nerve among teenagers attracted by Caulfield’s nonconformist attitudes and has remained a best-seller since its release. It has gone through dozens of printings in its simple mass-market paperback edition, clad in a simple maroon cover adorned with the title and author’s name on the front and back.

It’s also been a lightning rod for controversy. Schools have banned it — troubled by Caulfield’s language and attitude as well as his adventures with a prostitute — and some readers have been obsessed by it, most infamously Mark David Chapman, who murdered John Lennon in 1980.

In his later life, Salinger became as well-known for his desire for privacy as his work.”

You can see the rest of the piece @ http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/books/01/28/salinger.obit/index.html.

I for one was never a fan of “Catcher in the Rye”.  Actually, if I’m being totally honest, I hated it.  I actually remember approaching my teacher and telling her that I was uncomfortable with all of the bad language and requested that I be assigned a different book to read. I still can’t believe I did that. My teacher, rightly so, did not give me a pass, and I was forced to finish it along with my classmates.  As an adult, I have re-read “Catcher in the Rye” and although I still do not love it because of the morose tone of the book, I appreciate the quality of the work much more than I ever could have in high school.  I don’t think it is a book that I will revisit very often; however, it is one of a kind, and Salinger will be celebrated for many years to come because of it.

*The iPad Debacle*

I think the clip from Valkyrie poking fun at the iPad is just BRILL.  I mean really Steve Jobs.  What was he THINKING?  I’ll tell you what he was thinking.  He was thinking, “Oh, I’m Steve Jobs, and I can do whatever I want.  All I have to do is slap an Apple logo sticker on the back of this bad boy and it will sell like a Snuggie.  I don’t want to let those little monsters over at HP or any other little meager elf companies that try to compete with me to come out with the next ‘flat screened i handle slate tablet table pad pod hand face book box’ before I do.  Speaking of Facebook, I should tell all my peeps… uh my tweeps… uh my fool… uh followers that I am on stage and God is caressing my salt and pepper hair as he sends Moses down on a fiery rainbow to deliver my revolutionary new product.  Oh yea, I’m on stage.  I had better wrap it up.  Darn I wish my butt fit in designer jeans so I could get rid of these Dungaroos.  I wonder if my black turtlesmock is still in.  Turtlesmock… that’s a wame I just came up with because I am awesome.  Wame is a combo of word and name.  I made that up too. Hmmm… who am I kidding?  OF COURSE IT’S IN.  I’M STEVE JOBS!” That is what he is thinking.

If you follow me on Twitter you probably know most of my feelings regarding the iTampon, as so many people are calling it.  But I will recap in case you live under a rock, in the stone ages, in Sri Lanka, or don’t use Twitter because you think it’s dumb.  (It’s really not dumb, but I will write a whole post on that another day).  So I started off calling the Apple tablet the iMoses (which I thought was hILARIOUS but for some reason did not catch on like wildfire as I had hoped… go figure).  Then it was announced that the name would be the iPad, which I thought was some kind of epic episode of Punk’d and Ashton Kutcher was going to pop out behind Steve Jobs and give him a chest bump or something.  But it turns out, no. No, it is not a joke.  An evil genius and his entire marketing department and band of merry men all thought that giving this product the same name as a feminine hygiene product was definitely a good idea.  Major iFail if you ask me.  I won’t even get into all the ways I/ the universe was let down by the actual product capabilities.  I think he just was afraid he was going to die soon and even though his tablets weren’t finished he had to get them out before he croaked or was beaten to the punch by HP or whoever else (Lady Gaga).  So he decided to turn in a shoddy piece of work and try to sashay his black turtleneck wearing, 1995 acid wash denim clad self around the stage in a manner that would distract us from the fact that $800 pretty much only gets you a large iPhone that you can’t even use to make calls. (Oh yea, & CURSE AT&T!) So in conclusion, Steve Jobs is super smart/rich but he wears ugly jeans and lets marketing “professionals” convince him to wrap his toy in shiny aluminum foil and pretend it’s silver derived directly from the Dalai Lama’s dental fillings.

If you want to see the video of Steve Jobs revealing the iPad look under the Videos link

The End.  Please Comment! (do it for the little baby seals).