How To: Not Look Like an Idiot

Hello my Tuesday Tadpoles!

It’s 5:30 a.m.! What in the name of all things sane am I doing up at this ungodly hour? Blogging for you of course! Dear Hunter, I am so so so sorry that you came here expecting to indulge in the insanity that is Constructive Witticism only to have your hopes and dreams crushed by my inconsistency. I, Jessica Black, do hereby by solemnly swear under penalty of blog law, God, and the ridicule of the internet, that I will write a special post this week JUST FOR YOU to make up for it.  Do you see what happens when you comment people? DO YOU SEE?  That’s right; you get called out and praised and appreciated by name.  Ok, well HOPEFULLY you are reading Chocolate Cyanide too so you know that my reason for being a little late on the updating is because of my newfound dedication to my newfound job to which I am now devoted like a mother to her babe. I have fairly full days this week so I end up blogging in the middle of the nightmorning.  Oh, and I thought I would tell you that I am having second thoughts about the name Chocolate Cyanide after someone (who shall remain NAMELESS because she told me over the phone instead of commenting! oh snap!) told me that now she can’t eat chocolate because she is scared it’s poisoned. GRRRRRREAT! So maybe I might be rethinking that, although I can’t exactly change it now since 2′s of 3′s of people are reading it and are probably used to the name. It’s branding, people. I can’t change my brand. I don’t know. hmm… maybe you should comment and tell me what you think… hmm maybe that would be a good idea.

SOOOOOO I know I said on CC that I was going to write a “How To” column on probably Mondays, but since I already updated that one I decided I would bring that topic pearl over here. Hey they can be interchangeable if I want them to. IT’S MY BLOG AND I CAN INTERCHANGE THEM IF I WANT TO… INTERCHANGE THEM IF I WANT TO; YOU WOULD INTERCHANGE THEM TOO IF IT HAPPENED TO YOUUUUUUU… bum bum duh duh duh”.  If you are not aware of what just happened, please ignore that outburst and be advised that I am not a crazy person (mostly).

So without further ado, todaynight I thought I would give you a little “How To” guide on how not to look like an idiot in your first week of work.  Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “I should be watching whatever is in the DVR right now” but you’re also thinking “you’re not an expert at professionalism” and you’re right.  But guess what? I am an expert at looking like an IDIOT.  So from one idiot to hopefully not another, here are some of my tips.

Do’s:

1) Take notes: Don’t be afraid to look like a nerdy intern who walks around with a notepad all week.  Chances are, you will end up looking like an idiot if you DON’T take notes, because you will end up forgetting something important which will most definitely end up with someone’s arm being chopped off; yours or otherwise.

2) ASK QUESTIONS! : I have to tell you that I am REALLY bad about this one.  I hate asking questions because I think they make me look stupid. Well you know that saying “there’s no such thing as a stupid question”?  Well they lied. There definitely is such a thing as a stupid question, but again, if you don’t ask what you need to know now, you are going to look even more stupid because you end up doing the wrong thing instead of just saying the wrong thing. Instead of asking “hey is this the correct arm the patient is having surgery on?” and risking looking stupid, you keep you’re mouth shut and end up marking an “X” on the wrong arm and like I said, someone’s arm gets chopped off, and not even the correct one. And if you work in business, YOUR arm will just get chopped off because your boss is so mad at you because you just made a clerical error that cost the company a GILLION CATRILLION DOLLARS. Yikes! So ask.

3) Be friendly! (to everyone):  You just never know who is watching.  That can extend from saying or doing something that makes someone have a better day, all the way to having a high up the totem pole executive think you’re the bomb because she/he was watching how you interact with others and you treated that person with respect even if when you thought they were just an average joe/jane.  Many great CEO’s and the likes are notorious for treating their company like their baby and doing things like picking up trash around the building and other tasks that may render them incognito as a big shot.  I also personally know of at least 5-100 stories of the big guys spying on the little guys by pretending to be clients/customers/patients etc and the little guys ending up looking like idiots because they were dismissive. So be friendly and be yourself. Plus you never know which member of housekeeping or grounds crew or other under-appreciated staffer may have infinite wisdom/the key to the vending machine and can hook you up.

4) Have Confidence: Don’t be an arrogant jerk, but have confidence in your abilities.  If you don’t think you can add anything to the organization, why should anyone else believe that you can. Everyone needs some encouragement now and then, but if you sulk around the office always putting yourself down people are going to think you are either a) fishing for a compliment b)really insecure and incapable of doing your job or c) an idiot… ok, not really (but kind of).  This does not extend to having a bad day or having doubts about yourself, but for the most part, you should believe that you have POTENTIAL. Not to mention, sometimes the body language you emit because you are not confident, actually makes you look disinterested or even ARROGANT, ironically.  Have good posture. Make eye contact. Give a firm (not bone-crushing) handshake. Nobody likes a limp fish handshake. NOBODY

5) Listen: I know this seems like a no-brainer, but you would be surprised. So many of us have selective hearing and often are already thinking of what we are going to say when the other person stops talking.  This can be especially tempting in your first week on the job or if you are new to a career. Of course you want to look knowledgeable, but it’s not going to impress anyone if you are constantly interrupting or miss important details because you were running your mouth. You are going to look like an idiot.

DONTs:

1) Steal pens: ACCIDENTALLY! I did this on my first AND second interview.  I actually walked up to the receptionist to hand her the paperwork and when she stuck out her hand, I shook it. SHE WAS ASKING FOR HER PEN BACK. And I shook her hand. True story. AWKWARD. I also was filling out paperwork once I got the job and because of my nerves I just mindlessly walked out of the office and almost out the door when I realized I had accidentally walked out with their pen. I turned around to return it and who is standing there but the receptionist whose hand I shook who now thinks I am a kleptomaniac.

2) Be a Know-It-All. It’s annoying. It makes you look like an idiot. You are there to learn. END OF STORY

3) Get People’s Names Wrong! The more you use a person’s name when talking to them, the more likely you are to remember it and the better first impression you will make.  I love when people use my name when I first meet them.  It makes you feel acknowledged and memorable. The opposite, of course, makes you look like an idiot.  People care about their names. A LOT.  When you say the wrong name it makes them feel like they were not important enough to you for you to remember. Make the effort.

4) I hope I don’t even have to say this one BUT: DO NOT KEEP YOUR PHONE ON!!!!! This is such a HUGE pet peeve of mine and many other people. IT IS RUDE. AND MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. Vibrate included. You may think you are a super sly genius foxy person and it is the perfect solution because you can feel it vibrate but no one will hear it. WRONG. They will hear it. It makes people think you are distracted, disinterested, and disrespectful.

5) Be too jokey: OK. ok. ok ok ok ok… this one is HARD for me, which is why I saved it for last.  I certainly do not want to discredit the value of being able to create good rapport with your co-workers; HOWEVER, there is a line.  I would say that within the first week you should be especially wary.  It’s important to remember that not everyone has the same sense of humor, and you don’t want to risk offending anyone or making them think you’re just an absolute idiot.  Definitely be careful with your boss and those in positions of authority.  You do not want anyone to misinterpret your joy, humor, and enthusiasm as disrespect. If you treat your boss like your BFF on day one, they might view this as unprofessional or that you don’t take your job too seriously. I would say hold off on the LOL’S the first week and SLOWLY feel out the sense of humor of your associates and the collective level of humor-appropriateness of the office. Does everyone else joke around? Does ANYONE else joke around? Keep on the look out. This doesn’t mean you can’t be your happy self, but it does mean statements starting with “What happens when you cross a _____ with a _____” should not be told at your first board meeting.

Ok, the end.

p.s. Every time a comment is made an angel gets his wings. (Just thought you should know.) DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ANGELS?

~Jess